Explaining The Thing
by Sniper Wolf and Her Sniper
Summary: Dilandau and the Dragonslayers have to learn about sex! My god help their teacher, Tikal! R&R please! * CHAPTER 2 UP*
1. Women

Explaining The Thing  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Escaflowne or anything else from Escaflowne. Tikal is my own idea, thank you.  
  
Feel free to flame me with this. I got this idea in the middle of math class. O_o; Anyway, read on, young squires!  
  
The rating is a little harsh, but one can never be too carefull! As long as you aren't uptight up sex jokes, this should be chuckle worth. (Or laughing worth)  
  
  
  
Folken watched as Dilandau and the Dragonslayers all came in Folken's room. Folken eyed everyone carefully, taking a deep breath before he tried to speak.  
  
"Why did you call us here, Folken-sama?" asked Dilandau, rolling his eyes.  
  
Folken didn't know how to begin, "You see.well.Um.you are all 15 now.and."  
  
"Thanks for reminding me of my age, Folken." Muttered Dilly, growing more pissed.  
  
"Shut up and listen! At 15..because of Gaea law.you must.you have too."  
  
"What?" asked Dallet.  
  
"You."  
  
"God damn it. Tell us already!" Cried everyone.  
  
"You have to learn about women." Folken said quickly.  
  
The Dragonslayers all drew a blank.  
  
"What do you mean, women?" asked Dilly, looking rather crossed.  
  
"You know.women.and sex."  
  
"What?" cried Gatti, backing away.  
  
"It's Gaea law." Folken replied.  
  
"Why aren't you taking it?" demanded Miguel.  
  
"Because I already have! I'm twenty-five!" cried Folken.  
  
Everyone went silent.  
  
"First class is tomorrow at noon."  
  
"And if we don't go to class?" asked Dilly.  
  
"Then you have to watch the Sailor Moon dub." Folken muttered.  
  
Everyone screamed and said they would come to class.  
  
Dilly plumped down in his seat next to Gatti and Miguel. Dallet and Shesta were in front of him, Guimel and Viole in the back.  
  
"This is going to suck." Guimel muttered.  
  
"Shut up, sheep boy." Said Shesta.  
  
The classroom door opened and in walked a red haired girl. She smiled, gave a quick little bow and spoke. "Hello. I am your teacher, Tikal. Welcome to the class. I've been teaching this class for ten years now-"  
  
"Does this mean you know a lot about sex?" cried Viole.  
  
Tikal went cross, "No speaking out of turn."  
  
Dilly groaned loudly.  
  
"Ok, to start off, we are all going to learn about the women's body. I doubt any of you have any real experience with girls-"  
  
"That's because no girl goes for a pryo." Dilly grumbled.  
  
*Fan girls from somewhere * "We do Dilly! We love you! You and your pryo ways!"  
  
"Rightttt." Tikal muttered, "Anyway, we have to go over the female body. The female body is utterly wonderful-"  
  
"Are you a lesbian?" cried Miguel, but Tikal barged on.  
  
Dilly flicked pieces of paper around, and soon the whole class was goofing around.  
  
".Otherwise known as breasts."  
  
Everyone's head shot up.  
  
"What did you say?" cried Dilly.  
  
"I don't think I understand," said Gatti, "Do you have pictures?"  
  
"Can we get back to the lesson at hand?" cried Tikal. "Mwhahaha! I am so evil!" Dilly screamed because he had slapped Guimel for no reason.  
  
Tikal knew the only way to get the back at hand was too talk about something.  
  
"BREASTS!" she cried and all their heads shot back up.  
  
They went silent and Tikal relaxed.  
  
"Breasts are something all women get-"  
  
"And in this case," cried Shesta, "Viole too!"  
  
"Shut up! That was a secret!"  
  
Dilly started laughing and Tikal threw her hands up in the air.  
  
"The next thing we have to go over is the women's period."  
  
"WHAT? GROSS! EWWWWW!" cried the Dragonslayers.  
  
"It isn't 'ew'," Tikal cried, "It is a normal thing for all women-"  
  
"Why don't men get it?" asked Dallet.  
  
"Because we get wet dreams." Said Dilly, slapping him.  
  
"Wet what?" Dallet asked.  
  
"Baka. Are you always this stupid?" Dilly muttered, leaning against his hand.  
  
Miguel raised his hand.  
  
"Yes, Miguel?" asked Tikal.  
  
"I think the best way for us to understand the women's body is to watch a porn."  
  
Everyone nodded and Tikal put her hands on her hips, "This is very serious! You cannot take over the world if you don't know what a period is and how women treat it!"  
  
"Why do we care if we don't get them?" asked Viole.  
  
"Can we talk about lesbians?" cried Dilly.  
  
"NO! KEEP THE FOCUS ON PERIODS!"  
  
The class went silent until Gatti spoke.  
  
"I thought periods go at the end of a sentence."  
  
Tikal let out a little yelp of anger.  
  
"Are you stupid?!"  
  
"Yes." Gatti responded.  
  
Tikal took out something.  
  
"This is a pad."  
  
"Do we take notes on it?" asked Guimel.  
  
"NO!" she cried to him.  
  
Guimel sunk lower in his seat.  
  
"This is what women use to stop the flow of blood. This or," and she pulled out a tampon. "A tampon."  
  
"Looks like.a rocket." Said Shesta.  
  
Tikal didn't respond, just went on, "This will help stop leaks and other things. When a women has a period she can have mood swings-"  
  
Dallet raised his hand, "Is that why Lord Dilandau's mood changes?"  
  
"No! He's just bitchy."  
  
Miguel and Gatti hold Dilly down from burning Tikal.  
  
"BURN WOMEN BURN!" he cried.  
  
"We'll cover this topic later. Some people are just too riled up. We'll discuss sex now."  
  
Miguel spoke up, "I think a porn would help us in this topic of conversation."  
  
"NO! No porn!" Tikal cried.  
  
"Well then," Miguel sighed, leaning back in his chair, "What's the bloody point?"  
  
"A period." Dilly snickered.  
  
Everyone was laughing again. Tikal looked very mad and was shaking her head and muttering.  
  
"Damn low paying job." She whispered.  
  
The class was throwing paper around now. Dilly was laughing and Tikal slammed a book on a table.  
  
Everyone looked up.  
  
"Will everyone pay attention? In all ten years of my teaching, I've never seen such a class!" Tikal screamed.  
  
The class went silent and everyone looked at Tikal.  
  
"Ok." she took a deep breath, "Sex is the way the world populates itself. When and man and women have sex, the man takes his-"  
  
Viole muttered something and Gatti started laughing.  
  
"What is so funny?" asked Tikal.  
  
"Have you ever had sex?" asked Dilly.  
  
Tikal was offended by this question.  
  
"How.DARE.you! That's it! That's it! I need a break from this! You can all come back next week."  
  
Everyone cheered and ran out of the room. Tikal slumped in her seat, rubbing her eyes. Dilly sneaked back in.  
  
"What are you doing?" Tikal asked.  
  
"I have a question."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Maybe you should show me how sex is done."  
  
"Get out!"  
  
Dilly jumped and ran and Tikal slumped farther in her seat.  
  
"I need a new job."  
  
The End  
  
So, flame me or review me! Tell me if you want me to put up chapter two!  
  
-Sniperwolf 


	2. Men

Explaining the Thing #2  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own anything Escaflowne related. I am just a silly Dilly obsessed fan. So don't sue me. I'm broke and have no money! Tikal is my own idea.  
  
Chapter two, huh? Thanks for the reviews!  
  
MINOR ALLEN BASHING  
  
"Mwhahahaha!" laughed Dilly.  
  
It was 3:00 AM and all the dragonslayers were bobbing around, not sleeping, even though they had another sex education class that same day.  
  
"There once was a girl call Mary, who's legs were quite hairy. When she went to car, a man took her to a bar, and there she lived quite contrary!" screamed Guimel, jumping around.  
  
Everyone laughed when Folken barged in, his hair all matted down. He was holding his teddy bear (with one eye, since Dilandau burned the other one) The teddy bear Mr. Monkey, and rubbed his eyes.  
  
"Hiya, Folken! Want to make a poem too?" Viole asked. Folken looked at them and screamed, "God damn it! You little bastards get your asses to bed! You have Sex Ed. Tomorrow you morons!"  
  
"Geez, Folken-sama, we're sorry." Muttered Dallet.  
  
Everyone looked around and sunk into bed. Folken shut the door. It was silent for a while until.  
  
"There was a man named Van. God, how I wished he would set off a bomb. With his gay ass hair and his clueless medievil wear, why can't a man like that burn?" ryhmed Dilly, happy for himself.  
  
Folken opened the door, gave them a scary look and everyone went to bed.  
  
When Dilly opened his eyes, his head was killing him. He was tired as hell when Folken's words came back to him.  
  
"You have Sex Ed. Tomorrow you morns!"  
  
At once, Dilly heard whispering.  
  
"I had what?" muttered Shesta.  
  
"Are you stupid?" hissed Miguel.  
  
"I.what happened?" Shesta muttered.  
  
"You had a wet dream!"  
  
All the rest of the dragonslayers jumped out of bed and started laughing to Shesta.  
  
"Hey!" Shesta screamed.  
  
"What's a wet dream?" asked Guimel.  
  
Everyone went silent, except for Dilly, who was about to speak up when-  
  
"You'll all find that out in today's class!"  
  
The door opened to show Tikal. Everyone yelped.  
  
"Hurry! I want you in the classroom in ten minutes!"  
  
They all sat down in their seats to see Tikal there, smiling.  
  
"Helloooooo! And welcome back to another thrilling-"  
  
"Not." Muttered Dallet.  
  
"Ahem! Lesson in sex," Tikal shuffled some papers around, "I heard one of you had a wet dream. Well, I'll tell you all about them in today's lesson."  
  
"Spare us the details." Viole cried.  
  
Tikal looked at them, putting her hands on her hips, "I don't want another repeat of our last lesson."  
  
Everyone went silent.  
  
"Ok. Let us start about wet dreams."  
  
"This is stupid. I already know what they are, baka." Replied Dilly, looking very sullen.  
  
Tikal didn't listen, "Wet dreams are caused when a man thinks about-"  
  
"In Shesta's case, another man!" cracked up Miguel.  
  
"Miguel!" barked Tikal.  
  
Miguel snorted and went silent. Tikal looked around the class.  
  
"Perhaps." she muttered.  
  
"What?" cried Gatti.  
  
"Maybe you would understand wet dreams better if a man were to tell you." Tikal pointed out.  
  
Everyone just looked at each other and Viole screamed.  
  
"NOT DORNKIRK! PLEASE!"  
  
"Shut up. No, as it. The man doesn't even know how to have sex. If it doesn't have the word fate in it, the man is lost." Tikal snapped.  
  
Everyone giggled and threw paper balls at each other.  
  
"I'll be right back." Tikal said and left.  
  
"NO TEACHER!" cried Dilly and jumped up on his desk.  
  
"Yea-haw! Cowboy!" cried Guimel, who started to dance.  
  
Shesta was very quiet, still embrassed from the wet dream.  
  
"Oh, Shesta, " murmered Dilandau, sitting next to him, and everyone wondered why he was being so nice, "It's OK."  
  
"Thanks, Lord Dilandau." Shesta said and smiled.  
  
"We always knew you were gay." Dilandau finished.  
  
Everyone laughed and Tikal came back in with the male teacher.  
  
Folken.  
  
"Folken? He's going to tell us about wet dreams?" cried Miguel and was off his rocker.  
  
"Shut up boys!" Tikal wailed.  
  
Everyone did, except Shesta burst out crying.  
  
"You're excused Shesta. You have five mintues." Whispered Tikal.  
  
Folken shuffled his feet. Dallet snorted.  
  
"He's going to teach us about wet dreams?" Dallet giggled.  
  
"Shut up class. Folken will tell you all you need to know about wet dreams."  
  
Folken cleared his throat and looked at all the dragonslayers.  
  
"This is so stupid," Dilandau said, turning his head, "I already know about all this stuff. I don't need Folken, of all people, telling me it again."  
  
"Hey, it's no picnic for me either." Folken replied hotly.  
  
Dilly went silent and Folken rubbed his eyes.  
  
"Ok.well.a wet dream.what it is.." He cleared his throat, "Ok, well, any questions?"  
  
Gatti's hand went up in the air, "Pick me!"  
  
"Gatti." Folken sighed.  
  
"Ok.have you ever had a wet dream?"  
  
Folken's face tinted a slight red color, "Keep the questions out of the personal range."  
  
Of course, Dilly didn't listen. He hopped on his desk and cried, "Folken had a wet dream! Folken had a wet dream!" Soon the whole class was chanting it.  
  
Folken sighed and brought out a picture, "Let's go over real men and not real men. This is not a real man."  
  
  
  
Everyone screamed, "The horror! It's Allen! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  
  
Gatti sighed, "Why does Allen always whip my ass?"  
  
Everyone grinned.  
  
Folken brought out another picture, "Here is a real man."  
  
"It's you." Muttered Guimel, trying not to laugh.  
  
"My point. Real men, have wet dreams. Real men such as me and Van-"  
  
Dilly's eyes grew red in anger at the mention of Van's name.  
  
"Don't speak of Van." Dilandau said, anger edged in his voice.  
  
Folken shook his head and sighed, "I can't explain this. Ok, a wet dream. You have a sex dream and you shoot it everywhere. Got it?"  
  
Everyone nodded and Tikal gasped, horrified at the way Folken had explained it.  
  
"There you Tikal. Am I done now?" Folken asked.  
  
Tikal nodded, her mouth open.  
  
"Can we go now?" cried Viole.  
  
Tikal gave another nod, her mouth still open. Dilly snickered.  
  
"What'cha waiting for?" he asked, and everyone *except for Folken, who had quickly left.* laughed. Tikal looked up at Dilandau, "GET OUT YOU LITTLE POOPERS!"  
  
"Hai." Everyone muttered.  
  
"See you soon!" Tikal cried, cheerfully.  
  
"She's crazy." muttered Miguel.  
  
The End  
  
So you little buggers want another chapter? REVIEW! 


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